Today has been a really hard day....emotionally. Just seemed like LIONS were ROARING in every direction today. I will try and share one example:
I had been giving a nursing home resident a roll of quarters every time I visit her facility. It started quite a while ago, just a special something between she and I. I thought nothing of it until two weeks ago, in general conversation, I shared that quarter tradition with a staff member. She gave me a facial expression like : "That is probably not a good thing to do." That is truly the first time I had even thought about it being right, fair or proper. But I felt that day that WISDOM had been imparted to me, and I knew that the tradition would have to stop.
Today upon entering the facility where she stays, she was waiting for me just inside the door. she called me over and whispered: "Are you going to give me something today?" I looked into her eyes and said, "No I am not." She gave me a smirk and turned her head, and I responded by saying: "Do you not love me anymore, because I am not giving you money?" She answered: "I don't know" and turned her head.
WOW.....I love the honesty BUT honesty sure can sure be painful!
It was obvious that I had been BUYING her friendship, she did not love me for who I am, she loved me for what I give her!
VERY PAINFUL to have that kind of personal rejection. I was thankful for the wisdom in stopping the tradition.
In a few minutes I came back to her area, and asked her if she was coming to church today. She had tears in her eyes and said :" I am sorry, I am sorry." We hugged.
I thought all was well, and my heart was beaming to think she really did love me.
BUT
BUT
BUT
She never did come into Church....and she was not around when I left. No goodbyes today.
So now I do not know how she really feels about me. It would have meant alot to me if after this dialogue she came to church as she usually does. But she didn't.
NOW it is my turn to ask myself: Do I love her just because she comes to Church?
Not sure what the honest answer was up until this point in time.
BUT I know at this moment.....I love her more than ever.
I hope to see her again, and trust we will HUG and love one another expecting nothing from each other except honest love.
GOD is the one who healed my broken heart in THIS incident today. In all honesty, I am glad this day is about over. I am glad to be home with just my hubby whom I know loves me, even when I say or do dumb things. I am secure in my husband's love for me.
I am secure in my relationship with my LORD as well. Even though my heart was broken and crushed many times today, I knew that my emotional state was stable and safe. I was not going to fall apart even though the pain was wrenching. My Lord is my heart Doctor. He is faithful to love on me, even in my failures.
I am so thankful to be a Christian!
